Missing Dad. Again.

I hate the month of May. The whole month is blue. It’s been four years since dad passed away, now it’s sort of easier to cope but there is a million other things going on which just sucks.

I wish dad was still here, because I have a million questions to ask him, from one adult to another. In the past I never knew much about his history and his problems. Some sensitive subjects were just not exposed to the kids. Well he’s not around anymore, so I’ll always be in the dark about some things from the past.

I really miss him. Too. Damn. Much.

Missing Being Away

I was just scrolling through my google photos and stumbled upon several of my pictures from last year from when I was travelling. Last year was quite full of new experiences, I went to the Philippines to watch an e-sports competition, went to Phuket to eat watermelon while swimming on the beach, went to Manchester just to catch The Fratellis, there were many moments that are truly defining to my life.

What do those experiences have in common? They do not happen at home. I miss being not at home, being around people that I don’t know about, facing the unexpected. Being at home means doing the daily routine, doing the same thing over and over again and when you take a look at the calendar, 2 months have gone bye and you wonder where it went.

I should book a flight ticket already.

Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Life is so stressful right now. Things are not going well at work or with my family. I’m free diving into self destruct mode.

I feel like I can’t take this anymore. Srsly considering that I should take a gap year to take a break from life.

A Cold Heart in A Cold Day

Today I was just finished with my training in Le Meridien Hotel in Sudirman, and I was waiting for my Uber to arrive. It was taking longer than expected. I just stood on the sidewalk with a recently won book in hand, reading to kill the time.

Many people passed by, and I grew suspicious of each and everyone of them. An old man then approached me slowly while still at a comfortable distance.

Old Man: “Miss, can you help me?”

I wasn’t thinking about it, but I shooked my head. Seconds later, I was surprised at my own reaction. He then left me to my own devices. I was stunned by my own cold-heartedness. I mean, he hadn’t even said what he needed help with and I just sent him away. I was surprised at the person I’ve become. Subconsciously, I automatically assumed he wanted to scam me which might be based on my own experiences in the past. Was he trying to scam me? Maybe. But I shouldn’t have declined without at least getting more information. Is Jakarta shedding my humanity?

Trump is President

So it’s really not a dream. If my dad is still alive right now, God knows what he’ll say.

I think it won’t be a really big deal. Maybe he won’t be as bad as everybody thought he would be, maybe he’ll prove us wrong. That’s definitely a plus having him perform above par. On the other hand maybe he’ll wreck everything and people will start a movement to oust him. It can be good too, for the greater good, for the long haul.

What doesn’t feel good is being in this state right now, on the edge of uncertainty. Everyone’s on their toes worrying about what’s going to happen, imagining the worst.

Either way, let’s not hope for him to suck (although it’s sort of expected), because it won’t be a win for anybody. Do voice out the concerns to ensure you got heard, what he said during his campaign isn’t set in stone. There are still a lot of way to make lemonade out of these lemons.

By the way, we have one thing to thank Trump for after a few days of him being in office. He’s the reason behind the recent women’s march and hells yeah, the march gave us some good giggles from the awesome signs. So thanks Trump for the signs, and please do hear them out.

This is one of my fave.

c2tyeewuuaawswz

from twitter account @mbloudoff

Hear hear.

Procrastinating Going to Bed

Here I am late at night according to my new internal clock, looking at other people’s life on facebook, slightly jealous of how happy they all are. But then again, social media is always just the tip of the iceberg. God knows what lies beneath, everyone has their baggage.

Unless they don’t have any baggage. In that case, I am truly jealous and fml lol.

Anyhoo, the quality of lunch at the new office is deteriorating, and it’s not even the end of week 2! Aside from that, the commuter line has been such an asshole these past two days, I got held back more frequently. There goes another 20 minutes of my time spent commuting. This commuting thing is starting to get on my nerves.

 

Rock on, and let’s off to bed.

Moving To The New Office

Now playing, the “Deep Focus” playlist in Spotify. Can I just say, in Gina Linetti’s word, “Oh Dang!”. This is some on point deep focus shit!

Ok back to what I was intending to talk about initially today, my office just recently moved. It’s now located in the suburbs, 35 km away from where I live. The surroundings are quite nice, it’s properly organized but in the other hand it’s lacking character. I know, sounds vague, no? I don’t even know how to put it in words. In simple words, I don’t sympathize with it. I don’t know how one can sympathize with a town, but it’s just how I feel. I don’t relate.

Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t had any amazingly great food there. We all know love starts at the stomach (sort of). Maybe because it’s lacking cheap questionable street food. Or maybe because I don’t see people there as living souls. I see them as employees and workers getting on with their day. Wait, this is getting even more vague.

On another note, people say my office belongs to the list of cool workplaces. It’s got open space, a big grand stair (which people rarely walk on), and a somewhat futuristic look. I’m not feeling it though. Not yet, probably. I’m too bitter from the 90-120 minute commute.

By the way that’s it for today. I do wish more quality journaling will come soon.

Opinions and I

I used to have a lot of opinions about everything. Like, literally anything. Now I have realized that I don’t anymore. I’m more of an observer in big social groups. I don’t question much about everything. I am even losing ability to write long sentences.

I’m afraid I’m becoming an adult molded by society who doesn’t have a soul, who doesn’t question anything anymore and just get on with life without going to a direction of change.

That’s why I decide that I will start writing everyday, about anything. Anything to combat the fear.

So. Low.

I’m talking about life. Now has got to be one of the lowest point in mine.

Someone close to me made a life decision I can’t accept. I lost my respect for said person and my feelings are very conflicted. Bridges were burned, and I don’t even know if there will ever be a chance for a rebuilt.

Three doves, into the wild.