The Downs Before (Hopefully) Ups

These past few months I’ve been dealing with lots of anxiety and probable depression. I have no energy, find it very hard to get up in the morning, and lost interest in what I normally enjoy doing. I have been having many useless late nights worrying and overthinking about problems and situations I can’t fix. I find that my life is empty and meaningless, sometimes I don’t feel like it’s worth living.

I do have some situations which is probably making me feel this way. But sometimes, I think it affects me more than it should. It’s like you got punched in the face and you do protracted sulking for a month, instead of 3 days like a normal person would. Sometimes I feel like I’m being a drama queen and I question my own feelings, which just gives me more anxiety because then I’ve got another thing to worry about: why am I not responding like a normal person would? What’s wrong with my f-ing brain?

The truth is, I feel what I feel. Everybody do. We can’t invalidate people’s feelings because we all truly feel what we feel and everybody process things differently. Lots of times we try to share how we feel to other people and instead of acknowledging our feelings, they ask us to snap out of it because there are many people out there who are less fortunate and they’re living just fine; and that we shouldn’t feel bad for our ungrateful selves. Yes, sure that makes sense, but feelings aren’t fully logical. That’s like saying as long as there is poverty on the face of the earth, no one in this world deserves to be happy. We give people freedom to speak, but not to feel? That’s just immensely heartless. Nobody should invalidate people’s feelings, including us to our own. 

For now though, things are definitely looking brighter for me. My turning point was when I shared with someone outside of my support system and surprisingly I got a very encouraging words of support. I feel like I was on the verge of turning back to happyland, and that one particular talk was just the perfect nudge towards a better outlook at life. Am I happy now? Not entirely, but I’m taking my baby steps one at a time.

By the way when we talk about happiness, people think that it’s a destination. It’s not.

Some say it’s a choice, but no it’s not that simple of a switch.

Maybe it’s a journey, but I don’t think that it should be one, otherwise we won’t be happy until we die, and by that time we won’t feel anything at all.

Happiness is not a pursuit, it’s an acceptance of who we are, and of all kinds of shit that life brings us. It’s hard to achieve: to find that inner peace within you to embrace the present and find whatever joy we can feel, but it’s definitely achievable at certain times. Our predicament always changes. Our whole life is just an ongoing series of changes. And every time something changes, we have to go through the process of accepting all over again. Might take a week, a year, a decade even, but I believe all the waiting is going to be worth it, even if the happiness only lasts a mere five minutes.

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