Going Away

I’m going away soon, for a whole month. Away from boyfriend, friends, family, work, but not from reality. I’ve been having this conflict in my mind, and so far what I have done is distracting myself from the real predicament with work, or just succumbing to a pity party in my own mind. I want to go away to have a piece a mind, to have some time for myself to mature, reflect, and accept. With my own company, I hope I will be forced to really think about the harsh realities and how to manage it.

I would like some time to focus on myself and my well being, to fight my biggest enemy: my own thoughts and negativity.

Here’s to a new outlook on life. *fingers crossed*


The Downs Before (Hopefully) Ups

These past few months I’ve been dealing with lots of anxiety and probable depression. I have no energy, find it very hard to get up in the morning, and lost interest in what I normally enjoy doing. I have been having many useless late nights worrying and overthinking about problems and situations I can’t fix. I find that my life is empty and meaningless, sometimes I don’t feel like it’s worth living.

I do have some situations which is probably making me feel this way. But sometimes, I think it affects me more than it should. It’s like you got punched in the face and you do protracted sulking for a month, instead of 3 days like a normal person would. Sometimes I feel like I’m being a drama queen and I question my own feelings, which just gives me more anxiety because then I’ve got another thing to worry about: why am I not responding like a normal person would? What’s wrong with my f-ing brain?

The truth is, I feel what I feel. Everybody do. We can’t invalidate people’s feelings because we all truly feel what we feel and everybody process things differently. Lots of times we try to share how we feel to other people and instead of acknowledging our feelings, they ask us to snap out of it because there are many people out there who are less fortunate and they’re living just fine; and that we shouldn’t feel bad for our ungrateful selves. Yes, sure that makes sense, but feelings aren’t fully logical. That’s like saying as long as there is poverty on the face of the earth, no one in this world deserves to be happy. We give people freedom to speak, but not to feel? That’s just immensely heartless. Nobody should invalidate people’s feelings, including us to our own. 

For now though, things are definitely looking brighter for me. My turning point was when I shared with someone outside of my support system and surprisingly I got a very encouraging words of support. I feel like I was on the verge of turning back to happyland, and that one particular talk was just the perfect nudge towards a better outlook at life. Am I happy now? Not entirely, but I’m taking my baby steps one at a time.

By the way when we talk about happiness, people think that it’s a destination. It’s not.

Some say it’s a choice, but no it’s not that simple of a switch.

Maybe it’s a journey, but I don’t think that it should be one, otherwise we won’t be happy until we die, and by that time we won’t feel anything at all.

Happiness is not a pursuit, it’s an acceptance of who we are, and of all kinds of shit that life brings us. It’s hard to achieve: to find that inner peace within you to embrace the present and find whatever joy we can feel, but it’s definitely achievable at certain times. Our predicament always changes. Our whole life is just an ongoing series of changes. And every time something changes, we have to go through the process of accepting all over again. Might take a week, a year, a decade even, but I believe all the waiting is going to be worth it, even if the happiness only lasts a mere five minutes.

Missing Dad. Again.

I hate the month of May. The whole month is blue. It’s been four years since dad passed away, now it’s sort of easier to cope but there is a million other things going on which just sucks.

I wish dad was still here, because I have a million questions to ask him, from one adult to another. In the past I never knew much about his history and his problems. Some sensitive subjects were just not exposed to the kids. Well he’s not around anymore, so I’ll always be in the dark about some things from the past.

I really miss him. Too. Damn. Much.

Missing Being Away

I was just scrolling through my google photos and stumbled upon several of my pictures from last year from when I was travelling. Last year was quite full of new experiences, I went to the Philippines to watch an e-sports competition, went to Phuket to eat watermelon while swimming on the beach, went to Manchester just to catch The Fratellis, there were many moments that are truly defining to my life.

What do those experiences have in common? They do not happen at home. I miss being not at home, being around people that I don’t know about, facing the unexpected. Being at home means doing the daily routine, doing the same thing over and over again and when you take a look at the calendar, 2 months have gone bye and you wonder where it went.

I should book a flight ticket already.


Life is so stressful right now. Things are not going well at work or with my family. I’m free diving into self destruct mode.

I feel like I can’t take this anymore. Srsly considering that I should take a gap year to take a break from life.

A Cold Heart in A Cold Day

Today I was just finished with my training in Le Meridien Hotel in Sudirman, and I was waiting for my Uber to arrive. It was taking longer than expected. I just stood on the sidewalk with a recently won book in hand, reading to kill the time.

Many people passed by, and I grew suspicious of each and everyone of them. An old man then approached me slowly while still at a comfortable distance.

Old Man: “Miss, can you help me?”

I wasn’t thinking about it, but I shooked my head. Seconds later, I was surprised at my own reaction. He then left me to my own devices. I was stunned by my own cold-heartedness. I mean, he hadn’t even said what he needed help with and I just sent him away. I was surprised at the person I’ve become. Subconsciously, I automatically assumed he wanted to scam me which might be based on my own experiences in the past. Was he trying to scam me? Maybe. But I shouldn’t have declined without at least getting more information. Is Jakarta shedding my humanity?

Trump is President

So it’s really not a dream. If my dad is still alive right now, God knows what he’ll say.

I think it won’t be a really big deal. Maybe he won’t be as bad as everybody thought he would be, maybe he’ll prove us wrong. That’s definitely a plus having him perform above par. On the other hand maybe he’ll wreck everything and people will start a movement to oust him. It can be good too, for the greater good, for the long haul.

What doesn’t feel good is being in this state right now, on the edge of uncertainty. Everyone’s on their toes worrying about what’s going to happen, imagining the worst.

Either way, let’s not hope for him to suck (although it’s sort of expected), because it won’t be a win for anybody. Do voice out the concerns to ensure you got heard, what he said during his campaign isn’t set in stone. There are still a lot of way to make lemonade out of these lemons.

By the way, we have one thing to thank Trump for after a few days of him being in office. He’s the reason behind the recent women’s march and hells yeah, the march gave us some good giggles from the awesome signs. So thanks Trump for the signs, and please do hear them out.

This is one of my fave.


from twitter account @mbloudoff

Hear hear.